One potato, two potato, three potato four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more.
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Calm yourself. That's just the lockdown talking.
Take a deep breath and I'll make you a nice cup of tea. You'll come to your senses soon.
No, you don't understand. It's my shopping list.
Remember what Gladys told us: no panic buying.
I'm not. I've decided to shift my lockdown kilos with a mono diet.
Eating black and white things?
Eating just one thing: a single food, for several days or weeks.
More lifestyle:
So the 'mono' stands for monotonous?
Monotrophic, if you please. The results can be quite dramatic.
In 2016, magician Penn Jillette from Vegas duo Penn and Teller followed a potatoes-only mono diet for two weeks to kickstart his 45kg weight loss.
I love Penn and Teller. But are you sure this radical reduction wasn't just sleight of hand? I'm expecting Penn's vanished kilos to reappear dramatically, pulled from a top hat or behind somebody's ear.
It was very real. Penn documented his mono diet in a book called Presto! How I Made Over 100 Pounds Disappear and Other Magical Tales.
My point exactly.
If you don't believe Penn, try Melbourne's Andrew Taylor, AKA @spudfit, who lost over 50 kilos after eating only potatoes for a whole year.
Holy Sebago! Nothing else?
Nothing else. Just baked, boiled or mashed potatoes.
I guess spuds make more nutritional sense than chicken nuggets or lamingtons.
For Taylor, it was really about the psychology. Pre-potatoes, he was a 151kg, depressed, self-confessed food addict. His year of spuds was an extreme circuit-breaker for his troubled relationship with food. He eats a balanced diet now.
Any other foods popular with the mono crowd?
Bananas and other fruits; eggs, milk, even chocolate. Matt Damon lived on chicken breasts alone to lose weight for a role. Nicole Kidman did the same with boiled eggs. But I'll be honest with you - no dietitian in the world is going to mandate mono. No single food has sufficient nutrients for your long-term survival. Some might even call it dangerous.
- Check out how you can save with the latest deals on health and well-being using discount codes from Australian Coupons.
And you're still going potatoes-only?
I'll admit it - I'm falling off the shopping trolley. After 48 spud-filled hours, I've developed an uncontrollable craving for broccoli.
I guess when it comes to food, monogamy might be overrated.
- Amy Cooper is a journalist who embraces wellness, but has also used kale to garnish a cocktail.